Today is Father’s Day. It should not be surprising that this is not one of my favorite holidays. As a child I hated it. It was like pouring salt into a wound. I was so grateful it didn’t come during the school year so that I would have to watch my friends make lovey dovey things for their daddies and feel singled out because I didn’t have one.
Father’s Day was awkward in my home growing up. I would spend most of the day holed up in my bedroom waiting for the next day to come. It was largely ignored except for a phone call to a grandpa to wish him a good day. It stung. I didn’t have a daddy, but not only that, I was never going to have one. It’s not like my mom was single, and someday everything might change. A step dad on a white stallion was not going to be riding in to salvage my parade. A fact I was constantly reminded of.
As an adult, honestly, it’s not much better. Sitting in church today I listened to two sisters share sweet memories they had with their daddies that any child would wish to have, and before I could stop myself I thought “Why didn’t I deserve that?”
I won’t call my dad today. Even though we met when I was sixteen, I struggle to have a dad/daughter relationship with him. As a child I fantasized for years about meeting him, and unfortunately sometimes reality is never like our fantasies.
A couple months ago I spent a lot of time over the course of a couple weeks trying to figure out why we had just never been able to really connect. What was the problem? I wasn’t prepared for what I realized. I know how stupid this is going to sound (my husband already informed me) so please don’t feel the need to lecture me on this.
When I met my dad at sixteen I lived here in Oklahoma and he lived near Denver, CO. He was married and had had three more kids. The oldest was around eight years old. My dad rarely came to OK to visit and so all contact I had with him after we met was over the phone, which was not very often. In my heart I wanted him to move back to Oklahoma now that he had finally met me and we could see one another. My mothers rule had always been that I couldn’t meet him until I was eighteen. I went behind her back to meet him while he was in for Thanksgiving. I figured once I started driving I could see him whenever I pleased if he lived close enough.
I knew that was the only way we could build a relationship and get to know one another better. I felt like he should want to come back and, truthfully, because he didn’t, I felt abandoned all over again. Even now it bothers me he doesn’t want to live near my older sister and I, and our kids. My kids will never have a normal relationship with him. I realize it’s ridiculous to expect a person to pick up their entire lives and move just for me. But the little girl in me wishes he would have.
It is what it is, and I know this day sucks for lots of people whether their dads were deadbeats, have passed away, or worse, they don’t even know who their dads are because their identities have been hidden from them. I know that pain. Even though I was lucky enough to have contact with my paternal family, my dads identity was hidden from me for years, there weren’t even pictures, and no one would talk about him for fear of my mother.
The only thing that makes Fathers Day bearable is watching my husband spend time with our children. I live vicariously through them. It brings me peace and joy that even though I never had what they have, I helped to give them this great man that adores them and loves them helplessly. He is the father of my dreams.
So, Matthew, Happy Father’s Day from your wife who appreciates and loves you more than you’ll ever know.
In April I finally decided to talk about what it was like for me to grow up as the child of a lesbian, and right off the bat I made some mistakes. I suppose that’s to be expected seeing how I had been mostly silent about the subject for thirty three years, and still had some things of my own to figure out. Deciding to come out was a big deal for me, and roughly five years in the making, but that didn’t make it any easier.
My first mistake was not being true to who I am NOW. I decided that I wouldn’t discuss religion in relation to my story because the gay mafia attack dogs LOVE to tear apart Christians and accuse them of being religious, brainwashed bigots. I thought if I held off on saying anything in depth about being a Mormon I wouldn’t be dismissed as fast, and I would have a better chance of getting people to hear my story.
My second mistake was not deciding who I wanted my target audience to be and then speaking directly to them. Honestly, I wasn’t sure anyone would listen to me in the first place and so I couldn’t have pinpointed a target audience if I had tried. But in my mind the audience became the people trashing other kids like myself, be those people straight or gay, and the pent up anger and frustration came out.
And third was not reigning in my anger and frustration more. I won’t lie. I was angry. Very angry. Thirty years of suppressed silence and being invisible flooded the gates and washed ashore. The gay mafia bloggers painted me as the angry child of divorced parents and promised people I was not actually angry because of how I was raised. Umm, sure, ok.
The fact is, I was not angry that my parents got divorced. I was one. I could not even remember it. What I was angry about was the fact my mother replaced my dad with a woman, and that was supposed to be ok. I was supposed to except the substitute and not have any negative feelings about it. I was also angry because I could see very plainly that by speaking out I was opening myself up for serious attacks that would become very personal and possibly tear apart my relationship with my mother. Our relationship has never been the strongest anyway, and I was not sure how much it could endure. I had heard about gay bloggers finding contact info for kids speaking out and harassing their parents at their homes and work places. I had seen where the kids themselves had been harassed to the point of losing jobs and family members and friends. I found instances online where teenagers were looking for advice about their feelings towards their lesbian parents and lesbians were responding by telling them what awful children they were and how they hoped their own kids did not turn out to be brats like them.
And so, anger. I have worked a lot over the last seven months to understand where my emotions come from and the thing that has helped me the most is realizing that nothing anyone says matters, either positive or negative. I am going to do what I feel I have to do whether I am being put down or lifted up.
So the truth is I am a devout Mormon, and while religion had very little to do with how I felt about my situation growing up, it has definitely helped me come to terms with how to handle it going forward and made me a better person all the way around. I am not certain of the new direction the blog is going to take, but I am excited for the opportunity to share another facet of my life.
Thank you to all those who have supported me thus far, and have stood up for me and my right to have a voice on this matter. We, COGs who speak out, cannot do this alone and desperately need support from warriors willing to get into the fray with us. You may not have a dog in this fight, per se, but you are loved by us and so appreciated for your sacrifices.
I remember the night Ellen came out on her TV show in front of millions of people. My mom and her girlfriend were big Ellen fans and we watched the show religiously. After the episode went off that night I was left with the sensation of a bomb having just exploded before my eyes and waiting for the fallout. Strangely, it never came. At least, not that I was aware of.
For me it seemed as though that was the beginning of this tidal wave that is currently descending upon society at the present moment. The onslaught of pushing homosexuality and alternative lifestyles into every nook and cranny is suffocating. I think that should speak volumes coming from a child raised by lesbians. From gay pride flags at military celebrations to smut mags at the grocery stores, homosexuality is being thrown up all over the place. While I agree that no one should be treated badly for their lifestyle, especially to the point of violence, is this really the only way? Have we not blown past tolerance and are now being forced into acceptance? And how does forced acceptance change anything?
Once I moved out on my own I was removed from the daily reminder of being different and the constant worries of being judged for something out of my control. As the prevalence of homosexuality grew, I looked the other way and pretended not to notice. Then one day in 2010 I saw an advertisement for the release of a new movie, “The Kids Are Alright.” Somehow I instinctively knew what it was about by just reading the title, and it made me tense up and my stomach turn. After looking up the synopsis for the movie I was livid, and the title of a movie making me livid, made me that much angrier.
I felt like Hollywood was trying to tell society something about me, and indeed they were, but it was something that wasn’t true. Not in my case. I didn’t feel “alright” about the way I raised. And why is it enough for the kids to just be “alright?” Why shouldn’t the kids be amazing, fantastic, or phenomenal? I get it, it’s a movie title, but still. This movie and its sketchy title were the spark that lit the activist in me. I knew right then that at some point I wanted to speak out about growing up in a homosexual home, and here I am.
I want to make it abundantly clear that I love my mother, and I have never been mistreated by her or any of her partners in an intentional way. I say intentional because being taken from a heterosexual relationship to a homosexual relationship was intentional on her part, but I know she didn’t have any clue as to the consequences it would have for me. I think my mom had a right to be happy and live the best life possible. And I think I had a right to be happy and live the best life possible. So her decision truly was a catch twenty two. Someone was going to get hurt either way, and it just so happens it was me.
I was never a part of the movement to normalize homosexuality, neither as a child, nor as an adult. My mother never gave the impression that she needed her sexual orientation normalized, and that speaks volumes to me considering we lived in a small town in east central Oklahoma. I remember seeing Gay Pride Parades on the news as a kid and thinking those people were making complete fools of themselves and I was so embarrassed by them. I would cringe at the barely dressed men dancing around like they had been on ecstasy benders for a week and behaving like they had no morals. The worst part was watching the kids, paraded around like little tiny possessions that could easily be coerced because children generally always defend their parents. I have. And even at thirty-three years old it’s terrifying speaking out and difficult because I don’t want to harm my relationship with my mother.
Which brings up an interesting subject. Am I being disrespectful to my mother by speaking out? Well let me ask you this: Do children of divorced parents disrespect their parents when they talk about how screwed up a divorce left them? No. And no one would tell them otherwise either. And yet people try to shut us up by saying we’re being disrespectful, ungrateful and that we should just be happy we had two people that loved us. I am here to say that two people that love you is simply not enough. And sometimes, depending on the circumstances, it’s harmful. Children are in the learning stage of their lives and “love” does not teach children everything they need to know about navigating this world.
It’s interesting that there are only two sexes, male and female, and that those two sexes are required to produce a child. Therefore doesn’t it make sense that the offspring of those two sexes would need both sexes that created it to be a part of raising it? People feel sympathy for children who are raised without fathers either because they had dead beat dads or their father passed away, because it’s obvious those kids are missing out on something important, but there’s no sympathy for kids who are purposefully put in a fatherless, or motherless situation where homosexuality is involved, and that’s tragic.
I know that the reality of the situation is that nothing about homosexuality being pushed into the mainstream is going to change, and with Bruce Jenner’s sex change being the story of the year, the situation is only going to get more aggressive and demanding. The assault on the female and male sexual identity is in full swing and unless more people stand up to defend the most basic elements of our human existence, we are on the precipice of losing our own human identity.