In April I finally decided to talk about what it was like for me to grow up as the child of a lesbian, and right off the bat I made some mistakes. I suppose that’s to be expected seeing how I had been mostly silent about the subject for thirty three years, and still had some things of my own to figure out. Deciding to come out was a big deal for me, and roughly five years in the making, but that didn’t make it any easier.
My first mistake was not being true to who I am NOW. I decided that I wouldn’t discuss religion in relation to my story because the gay mafia attack dogs LOVE to tear apart Christians and accuse them of being religious, brainwashed bigots. I thought if I held off on saying anything in depth about being a Mormon I wouldn’t be dismissed as fast, and I would have a better chance of getting people to hear my story.
My second mistake was not deciding who I wanted my target audience to be and then speaking directly to them. Honestly, I wasn’t sure anyone would listen to me in the first place and so I couldn’t have pinpointed a target audience if I had tried. But in my mind the audience became the people trashing other kids like myself, be those people straight or gay, and the pent up anger and frustration came out.
And third was not reigning in my anger and frustration more. I won’t lie. I was angry. Very angry. Thirty years of suppressed silence and being invisible flooded the gates and washed ashore. The gay mafia bloggers painted me as the angry child of divorced parents and promised people I was not actually angry because of how I was raised. Umm, sure, ok.
The fact is, I was not angry that my parents got divorced. I was one. I could not even remember it. What I was angry about was the fact my mother replaced my dad with a woman, and that was supposed to be ok. I was supposed to except the substitute and not have any negative feelings about it. I was also angry because I could see very plainly that by speaking out I was opening myself up for serious attacks that would become very personal and possibly tear apart my relationship with my mother. Our relationship has never been the strongest anyway, and I was not sure how much it could endure. I had heard about gay bloggers finding contact info for kids speaking out and harassing their parents at their homes and work places. I had seen where the kids themselves had been harassed to the point of losing jobs and family members and friends. I found instances online where teenagers were looking for advice about their feelings towards their lesbian parents and lesbians were responding by telling them what awful children they were and how they hoped their own kids did not turn out to be brats like them.
And so, anger. I have worked a lot over the last seven months to understand where my emotions come from and the thing that has helped me the most is realizing that nothing anyone says matters, either positive or negative. I am going to do what I feel I have to do whether I am being put down or lifted up.
So the truth is I am a devout Mormon, and while religion had very little to do with how I felt about my situation growing up, it has definitely helped me come to terms with how to handle it going forward and made me a better person all the way around. I am not certain of the new direction the blog is going to take, but I am excited for the opportunity to share another facet of my life.
Thank you to all those who have supported me thus far, and have stood up for me and my right to have a voice on this matter. We, COGs who speak out, cannot do this alone and desperately need support from warriors willing to get into the fray with us. You may not have a dog in this fight, per se, but you are loved by us and so appreciated for your sacrifices.